I feel....gross, ugly, obese....

i just keep gaining weight and I dont feel like I'm eating that much it's just nonsense!
110 lbs at 5'2 when  4 months ago i was at 98 lbs....like come one!!
I'm eating on the small side of normal amount of food it's just not normal! I'm so frustrated!! argh!!

I feel like starting an official diet again but what will be next!?

I just want to be normal for fuck's sakes!!

so yeah... I think I had a miscarriage yesterday morning....:/
perfect timing seeing as I slept with the guy I've been seeing since december for the first time a the same moment!! :/:/

If anyone knows if that's what it was please talk to me!

HELP!

yea so i'm a fat cow and really can't handle it anymore =(

106 lbs...seriously how did i let it get this bad :/

so basically.. i'm counting again very roughly... (you can correct me if yas want)

so other than that today would have been our anniversary with my ex tell me why do i remember that...seriously??
argh i wish he would just be erased from my memories argh :S :/
 
anywho....yada yada yada so what's up with you all??
keep me posted :D
<3

so...been going through some tough times lately...vacation as of friday will be great will see Patina yay!!!

I stopped smoking unintentionally this weekend, gained nearly 3lbs none the less I smoked this morning....
argh...
I need to get back to 45 kg (99 lbs) I was at 47.8 kg (105 lbs) this morning :/  that's insane friday I was ar 101 lbs... eek...
I just had lunch, some cucumber, carrots, a whole wheat bun and some WW cheese spread (55 cal for one huge piece)
this morning at work they brought croissants damn it argh

tonight gotta be good, no pigging out Em, you need to stop your BS...

my back hurts really bad so I'm going to the doctor's on Wed. 
Have school tues and thurs which sucks big time argh I have this huge project in German (btw I suck so bad in German) eeek and my German teacher hates me with a passion...
REALLY REALLY can't wait for Friday.... D-4

anywho how's everyone doing??

keep me posted I know I neve rpost but i do read your posts.

toodles
<333

so I've been sick for the past week argh came to work today so they don't think I just wanted to add a week to my vacation ^^ and there's no work for ha.

and of course the doctor told me that the reason why the flu causes me to stay in bed for 4 days is because i have erratic eating habits hmmm...

finally got a battery for my digital scale, 99 lbs still as of this morning kinda shocked seeing as all week I've been eating trying to find something with a taste ha i suck :P

x  mas food coming soon argh :P gotta go to my mom's on the 25 :/ this should be interesting and i'm supposed to eat with her at lunch time today first time seeing her since july ahlala hopefully she'll lend me some money cuz i havent received my pay yet and i havent gotten any presents yet ( yay for procastination and not doing things in advance ^^)

Vacation as of tonight yay  =)

oh and I seem to be liking a boy but it confuses me so much...aie aie aie what's a girl to do?

I want new clothes :P

ya so this was totally random haha

so how's everyone doing in this time of stress?? ( wether it be just cuz of x mas of the foodness of special occasions argh)

<333

happyy birthday to me......
:/
22...fuck.

haha...ok is it awful that I have a huge smile on my face because my ex bf's online gf from Belgium broke up with him 4 days before his birthday?? lol

haha suckkkkkaaaaaa.... k, this isn't because I want him back AT ALL....

it's just he was going on about how serious their "virtual" relationship was and it's always been BS to me. I mean come on for fuck's sakes.... INTERNET LOVE?? REALLY??? EWWWW!!!

haha I love being right with a passion... ;) fuckin' riiiiight!!!

3 more hours of school, and no more school for a week, thank effing god!!! argh, i hate school.

otherwise I'm a fat cow, but you all know that already ^^

I'm at 103.5 lbs, ok so i gained 5 lbs i guess it's not SOOOOOOOOOO bad but fuck why do I feel like I've suddenly become a whale?? and why did i bawl my eyes out when i saw it for hours?? ohhh riiight............. because I have an ED.

fuck life sucks, i need so good news to cheer me up.....any takers??


*NOTE TO SELF*
seriously Emilie get your shit into gear especially if you want to be somewhat not fat for your birthday weekend in 2 weeks.... fuck I'm getting old way tooo fast, to think I started this lj when I was 19... nearly 3 years....fuck.

yea so I know I'm never around but I am still alive...well bat least physically i often feel dead inside but yea i suck that way.

been working so much and a total of 4hrs of the train some days....VERRRRRRRRRRRY tired...

still stabilizing somewhat, i think i gained now though :S my scale broke :S:S
I'm still between 99-103lbs I think...

i'm gonna post some pics i havent in foreverrrr...

hollar what you think.... oh and I'll put a pic of me at 98 lbs....and I SWEAR it's true but I look fucking HUGE in it so sad :(:(

k here are some random pics from last week and 2 weeks ago :







group shots where i look way more than 98 lbs :S:S






another bad one :S




the pics are weird i find...i mean i'm at 98 lbs not 120 lbs!!!! :(:( what do you guys think??


k someone tell me how to hide the pictures please :S

so been maintaining at 98-101 lbs... yup yup...fun fun...

got über drunk last friday and slept with the guy I used to be totally in love with before my ex, yeah so I really didnt even want to and I'm not attracted to him at all anymore...will someone please tell me why I slept with him in a friend's bathroom?
yeah so I'm fucked... I think the only reason i did it, is because he was virtually the only guy I couldnt talk about to Jeff (ex) without him overreacting...:S

so, tomorrow I'm going to with my ex's family to some of their friends ( who are my friends as well since last year). He won't be there, so we're taking advantage of that fact! haha
I was supposed to sleep at their place (coming home late. he'd be in bed and tomrrow he has to work so normally we wouldnt have seen each other) but they're taking him to work in the morning so that could get ugly :S lol

meh should be fun, his familyis so different from him, they actually like to see ppl and have fun! lol

I'm so mad because not far from where i live Jimmy EAt World has a concert and I couldnt find anyone to go with me :( plus the fact that I have no money until the 22nd lol :P
toodles!!

I need to recover...I can't keep living like this...

if my life is only this than I want no more to do with it!

I need to trust in myself that I can get better and have the life I always wanted...

I've neither gained or lost really (hovering around 99-100-101 lbs) and I know if I give up on life this will be the end...
I'm still wondering wether I believe in myself or not...

it's such a vicious circle cause you need to to respect yourself to believe you can do it but we all know that to do what we do....we don't respect ourselves... :S

fuck...I really hope I can do this. I don't want to die.

<333

so I'm still in this hell called myself...

rejection is my worst fear and i'm living it...

i dont think i'll get over this monster inside me and no one can love a monster...and what's life without love?

yea so I'm really not seeing the point anymore... and it has nothing with my ex but me... I'm just not lovable this way and I completely understand...

so if I never lose it...
I'll just disappear.

BMI 18 100 lbs

so...in the past 4 days I havent been able to eat... I've gone from 111.5lbs to 103lbs...
and I'm not even excited about it, it just has to be this way.

it's my way to cope with my broken heart. :(

I'm seeing his mom tonight for a drink and she's bringing my huge bag of stuff....had nearly a whole closet at his place :(

she'll notice the weight loss, the last time I saw her was that night and she's the type to notice even just 2 lbs... :S

my sister bought me this dress at x mas, really tight and can see all body faults (tho it's long sleeves and such) and I could never fit into it... now I can I'm wearing it tonight... :)
at least I have that, I want him to see how my exterior self reflects my inner self and heart.
Empty. Frail. Broken.

then end.

I'm so lost and confused...

my bf of a year and a half broke my heart saturday night... he was the first to say we were meant to be together, talking about the far future... even just a week ago :(

I have never trusted that much that he loved me, never doubted it, ever.

His family can't believe it either. Even they knew we were meant for each other. His mother cried, his dad couldnt eat, his sister freaked out and can't talk to him anymore.

Everything else in my life was so uncontrolled and insane, our relationship was stability.

I gave him my ED, I wouldnt let myself go too far cuz we all know once you get to a certain low weight your feelings for people are numbed. I knew i couldnt love him if I did. and he was worth it.
I loved him more for the first time in my life than I hate myself.

all I have is my ED now.

I need the emptiness I feel inside to be outside. :(

down 3 lbs since then...
and counting.

I'm feeling weird again...
I really got to stop thinking so much it's becoming annoying...

Tomorrow I'm going to Portugal with my bf and his family and I feel like I shouldn't be going... and I can't tell him this now of all moments... I feel like we're dying...

I don't want to admit it because I still love him but I think we've lost each other...

and I keep thinking how quickly life is passing me by and how many people I miss and haven't seen in years.

I'm listening to old junior high songs I Wanna Be With You - Mandy Moore (yay for my great choice in music) which I listened to after hanging up the phone when my first love broke my heart in grade 8 2 months before moving here. (Switzerland)
mind you, we're very good friends considering the fact that he's gay and I couldnt really get mad at him could I lol

it's been 7 years and I sometimes still can't believe I'm here and that, that time has gone by so incredibly fast, too fast... I want to be 14 again.... the world was so unknown to me... :(

and I guess I don't want Patina to leave either, I mean I know you need to go home hun but I'm really gonna miss you. You were like a taste of home to me I guess. I mean I don't even know if I'll see you again... sorry I'm too sentimental and get attached to people. my bad :P


sorry about this incredibly boring rant, I just needed to get it out before I leave tomorrow...
g night ladies...
take care!

<3333

ok well Paris was awesome!
Patina and I had fun being adults taking the subway and being in a hotel by ourselves and using maps lol

Patina met someone at the Louvre...his name was Pole. he hurt her abdomen and knee though. that arsehole!

strangely we ate well...normally go figure but it's not every day you can eat at Subway in Paris man ;)

Leave it to us to come home early on a saturday night in Paris and watch french tv smoking in bed ;) lol

we were the basic tourists fun fun...

pictures will come when Patina downloads them (I think lol)

off to Portugal in 2 days...fun fun!! :D:D
Just not looking forward to wearing the dress...argh!

night night

YAY!!!

tomorrow is my last day of work for 2 weeks eeek!
off to Paris for the weekend with Patina! :D:D

there are so many things I have to do tomorrow...

- change CHF to Euros
- go buy my pill
- some low cal stuff for Paris
- buy a book for the train
- ask my mom to tape grey's anatomy for me
- actually work hahaha

yea I'm probably forgetting something...

oh and Patina don't forget your camera k cuz i forgot to ask my bf if he'd lend me his... and I mean we NEED pics of PARIS!! :D
oh i got my europe train pass thingy from work and i could have gotten my tickets for 17 CHF roud trip!!!! grrrrr!!

oh and we'll meet at the same spot as usual at around 6:30pm I think it is....whatever I told you....

k well good night everyone!